Karaoke: Satan's Dog Whistle for Musicians

I found out I had absolute pitch when I was a sophomore in high school. At the time, I thought that it would liken me unto a musical superhero. Much to my chagrin, I learned thereafter that the vast majority of superheroes have a critical flaw or weakness that often dilutes or even thwarts their ability to accomplish their missions. This metaphysical phenomenon embraces only 1 out of every 10 Americans, and for myself, the embrace is almost vampiric in nature.

Let me digress. Absolute pitch is the ability to recognize any musical tone by name AND reproduce said note with no external reference. In layman's terms, I can tell you what pitch(es) your car horn produces, or you can say, "Sing a D#," and I'll be dead on.

The reason this is such a bittersweet metaphysical attribute is that everything in the world has pitch. You hit a car with a golf club and a note or several notes will resonate. 60 cycle hums from machines fall right between B flat and B. Everything sings--badly.

Why is this relevant? Why does this edition of Perfunktory Existence seem like a Wikipedia source for a Music Ed Thesis paper?

It's my job. As an up and coming artist with a fledgling fan base and no notable fiscal earnings from my original music, I am forced run karaoke at a local bar. This pays the bills and gets me free beer. It's quite the sweet gig. I sit on my ass and scroll through a database of CDG files, point and click, and get on my desk mic and say, "All right, everybody! Let's give it up for John Q. Public, singing 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey!" When there is dead space to fill, I have the option to take the stage myself or simply put on my DJ hat and cue up some mass-produced radio hip-hop for all the Skankeltons and Skankettes to publicly humiliate themselves in a grotesque display of fully clothed, Sodom-and-Gomorrah-style dry humping.

Most readers are probably thinking, "What the hell is this guy bitching about? It's a do-nothing job!" This is where absolute pitch comes into play. I am a music connoisseur, enjoying myriad genres and artists. When I have to hear a 90 pound Dixie bumpkin who's had one too many Walk-me-downs butcher Patsy Cline like a fatted calf for the prodigal son, it makes me want to take a drink from a firing Gatling gun. Worse still are the typical "fishing-with-guns" frat bros that find it incumbent upon themselves to scream Hank Williams Jr.'s "Family Tradition" at the top of their sinfully inebriated lungs, forsaking the lyrics ever so often to yell some stupid collegiate chant or divvy up some unsolicited school spirit for a university THEY DON'T EVEN FUCKING ATTEND!!!

Once in a blue moon, I'll have a crop of good singers come in and grant me some needed aural respite. As one would expect, though, they are usually chased off by the hordes of drunken twenty-somethings who never grew out of mental adolescence. Hence, the only relief on which I can regularly bank is the rare occasion when I get to pick a song and sing myself.

I am by no means saying that I am the best singer in the world. However, I can think of a long list of people that I would rather hear singing karaoke than the rabble that frequents my work. Among the people I wish I could hear:

Chewbacca
Bobcat Goldthwait
Fran Drescher
Jerry Seinfeld
Ben Stein
William Shatner
Gailard Sartain

...and last but not least....

Helen Keller.

Yes. That's right. I said it. I would rather hear Helen Keller and Chewbacca sing "Picture" than most of the male/female duos that choose to further drive me insane by showing up.

I can't wait to quit this job and be famous....