Masochism

Is it strange that I look forward to the inherent problems of long-term relationships and marriage?

It seems like every couple with which I am moderately acquainted tends to use me as a makeshift marriage counselor. I get calls at all hours of the night and early AM asking for advice, condolence, and solutions to problems created by other people. The fact that I have no psychology degree or license to practice notwithstanding, this baffles me. I haven't been in a relationship for some three years now, and I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than six months. This isn't because I'm afraid of commitment or am downright hideous; rather, it is caused by the inability of the opposite sex to tolerate my fast-paced lifestyle, quirks and personality flaws. This noted, it seems that I would be one of the last options in relationship counseling that anyone without a mental defect would choose.

The tough part is, because they are my friends, I can't turn down helping them out. It gets worse when I actually have to hear what they say. It usually goes something like this:

Guys:

"She is smothering me and won't let me do anything I want. I can't go hang out with friends without catching the northwest corner of Hurricane Bitchfest."

What I have to say: "Well, man it's just because she loves you. You should be grateful. Some guys don't have that. You just have to find a way to meet her halfway."

What I'd like to say: "Listen, you ungrateful fucker. I'd kill to be in your position. I can't get a girl to let me buy her a drink, and you're saying your biggest problem is that she wants to be around you all the time? Man up and spend some time with her or I'm gonna plant a Titleist golf shoe in your goody bag."

Girls:

"He never wants to spend time with me. He'd rather go out grab-assing with his friends than take me out to dinner or stay in and watch a movie. I just want him to appreciate me."

What I have to say: "Well, sweetie, you are both young. You have to realize that he still has a close bond with his guys. Just like you need time, he needs time. You just have to find a way to meet him halfway."

What I'd like to say: "This guy sounds like a short-order douche-waffle with dick syrup and ass butter. Why don't we spend some time together? You might actually have a good time, and you can smother me with all the unrequited love you have."

But it doesn't work that way. If I say what I'd like to say, I lose two friends. If I say what I need to say, then I am either forced to choose sides or I end up giving advice that isn't used on either end.

From henceforth, I will only act as a "freelance counselor" with the following stipulations:

-I will charge an hourly rate of $50 (US).
-If no compromise is reached, the rate goes up to $100 (US).
-Anyone who attempts to sway my neutral stance will accrue a fine of $200 (US).
-If you actually listen and try to make things work, I will work pro bono.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode: Original Music vs. Cover Music: The Epic Battle